The Real Writer
by DarthRushy
Summary: This is just my little alternate ending to "To Boldly Flee" from That Guy With The Glasses. What if the Nostalgia Critic had chosen to stay in the real world?
1. Chapter 1

The door was open. The day was beautiful outside. **Reality** was waiting for him. The Nostalgia Critic looked back towards Doug Walker and the computer.  
_I'm the writer... and you're the character._  
And at that moment, the Critic decided that _he_ would not be a character. Reality was waiting and if it demanded the loss of some imaginary people, well then who gives a crap?  
The Nostalgia Critic took his first step into a larger world.

The Critic walked out of the house and majestically down the street like a king. He observed the neighbours, how _normal_ they looked, how realistic this place was and glowed.  
"Well, hello, real people!" he yelled and waved at them. "Hello, real people!" he said to a couple who passed by him. And then he came to the end of the street and was just about to take the next step when he realized he had no money. So he ran all the way back to the Writer's house.

"Hey, Doug? Would you mind if I took some pocket money?" he asked.  
"Oh, go ahead, my wallet's right over there-." started Doug but the wallet was already gone.

The Nostalgia Critic walked majestically out of the house and down the street like a king. He observed the neighbours, how normal they looked, how realistic this place was and glowed.  
"Well, hello again, real people!" he yelled and waved. "Hello, real person." he said to someone who looked like a boxer.  
"Ah, hello real Linkara." he said to Lewis Lovhaug.  
"Doug? What're you doing?" asked a confused Lewis.  
"I'm the Nostalgia Critic. Doug's back at the house." said the Critic happily and continued walking.  
"Uh..."  
The Critic then came to the end of the street and was just about to take the next step when he realized he had nowhere to sleep. So he ran all the way back to the Writer's house where Doug and Lewis were just talking.

"Hey, Doug? Would you mind if I took a sleeping bag?"  
"Oh, go ahead, the sleeping bag's-"  
The Critic was already in the basement and took the bag with him.  
"Thanks a lot."

The Nostalgia Critic walked majestically out of the house and down the street like a king. He observed the neighbours, how normal they looked, how realistic this place was and glowed.  
"Well, hello once more, real people!" he yelled and waved. "Hello, real people." he said to some people who drove by. He then came to the end of the street and was just about to take the next step when he realized he had nowhere to live. Or review stuff.  
So he ran all the way back to the Writer's house.

"Hey, Doug? Can I take your place in the real world?"  
"Oh, go ahead, wait what-?" started Doug but the Critic knocked him out, tied him up and dragged him downstairs. Unfortunately, Rob Walker chose right that moment to show up.  
"Hey, Doug, we ready for the big announce?" asked Rob chirpily in full Santa Christ costume.  
"Oh suuuure, what announce?" asked the Critic?  
"You know, that you're quitting the Nostalgia Critic." reminded Rob.  
"Oh, thaaaat..."  
The Critic put his arm around Rob's shoulders. "There's been a little change in plan, Rob..."

* * *

"Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic and I'm back to remember it so you don't have to!"


	2. Chapter 2

"What do you mean it's cancelled?!" barked Lewis into the phone.  
The Critic let out a groan. "I don't have time to do some stupid adventure movie, I'm behind schedule as it is."  
"But it's the site's anniversary special! You can't do that!"  
"I am That Guy With The Glasses. I can do whatever I want!"

Lewis sounded desperate. "But what will we tell to the fans?"  
"Oh I dunno, give 'em a... a... sketch show or something, you know they love those."  
"A sketch show?! That's low, Doug. Even for you."  
"Look, not only are we saving money with this, but we get free time! Those dumb***es have no idea how easy it is to make a few sketches up. We can all spend our time freely and take a vacation, what do you say?"

"You're an ***hole."  
"Well you're a geek! NOW GET BACK TO YOUR KIDDIE COMICS BEFORE I SHOVE A BAT CREDIT CARD UP YOUR ***!"  
Lewis put down the phone.

The Critic rolled his eyes. Real people could be such a pain. But now he had _money_. He opened the box of cash that Doug had been saving for the special and grinned at the dollar signs.

Suddenly, with a flash of light, Chester A. Bum materialized in his living room. Both of them were about to talk but were taken aback at the fact they were the same person, something they never realized in the review world.  
The Critic was the first to get over his shock. "What the hell are you doing here?!"  
Chester scrambled closer to the Critic. "I was looking for you, Critic. Something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong!""  
"Yes?"  
The Bum was about to continue, but then seemed unable to remember what he was about to say. "Ohh... I had a thought and now I lost it, it was right there on the tip of my tongue!"

He opened his mouth and then spat out a coin. "Oh, it was just my change. Sorry."  
"Tell me what's wrong or I'll shoot you."  
"GAH! Okay, okay. There... are these dark creatures and... and..."

The Critic interrupted. "Why is there bird**it on your face?"  
"Oh, that'll be the crows. I give them food and they bring me change."  
"You are absolutely disgusting... does that work?"  
"Not as such."


	3. Chapter 3

The Nostalgia Critic and his two co-conspirators whispered in the Critic's private study(so that Chester wouldn't hear them).  
"Alright, now, I was going to review the Mask..."  
The Guy From Demo Reel interrupted him. "The Mask? But that's a good movie, why'd you wanna review that?"  
"Well, it's nostalgic, isn't that the...?"  
TGFDR stopped him again. "Critic, we're here to do parody. You cannot parody a good movie so here's something for you. Son of the Mask!" He revealed a DVD.

"Son of the Mask? I never even saw this."  
Suddenly, Chester A. Bum burst into the room. "Son of the Mask? OMG THAT IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! Ooh, I wonder what happens when I put this mask on? SPOILERS! There's this guy called Tim, and he's scared of babies! Why?"  
The trio stared at him blankly.  
"Because babies have no concept of morality?" suggested the Critic.  
"BECAUSE BABIES HAVE NO CONCEPT OF MORAL-hey!"

"What? I'm just adding in!"  
TGFDR sighed: "I'll get the camera."

The Bum ranted on: "But one day, he comes across a strange mask and decides to put it on so the Mask turns him into an expert on musical evolution.  
He then starts dancing around. "Cause this is Thriller! Thriller Night!"

TGFDR leaned closer to the Critic. "Uh, should I record this or not?"  
"Nah, this movie sounds interesting. I'll do it myself. Then people will actually watch it."

* * *

"So after that, Timmy goes home and impregnates his wife with wood. Five seconds later, the baby is born and we take a look into the heavens or in this case..."  
The Bum pulled the Critic as close to him as humanly possible.  
"IN THE EYE OF THE BABY!"  
"Please let go." whispered the Critic and sneaked away from him.

"So Odin is really mad at Loki because Loki left his mask lying around. Why?"  
The Bum paused, confused. He was about to continue, but the Critic knocked him out with a bat.

"I think I got enough material, thanks Chez."

* * *

"But Critic..." protested TGFDR. "We don't have enough material for a long episode. We need sketches!"  
The Critic stopped playing with My Little Pony dolls for a second(because that cartoon is f***ing awesome) and glared at him. "Who's da Nostalgia Critic?"  
"Your da Nostalgia Critic."  
"And don't you forget it! Wait... yes... you're black and Satan is black. That actually works."  
TGFDR did not seem happy. "Dude, that's kinda racist..."

Suddenly, Chester appeared again, delirious. "I LIVED IN THE EYE OF A BABY ONCE!"  
"Get out!" yelled the Critic.  
"BUT I'M REVIEWING!"  
"YOU STOLE MY TRANSFORMERS REVIEW SO WE'RE EVEN. OUUUUT!"

The Critic took out his imaginary gun. Not knowing better, Chester ran out to the streets, hoping there was a box for him.

"Finally, some peace and quiet. I'm so sick of these other me's."  
"We do look alike."

The Critic jumped up from his chair as AskThatGuy was standing uncomfortably close to it.  
"You! But how?!"  
"Simple. I went to the Angry Video Game Nerd for Atari porn and he sent me to the deepest pits of diarrhea. So here I am."  
"... I really wish I would've died." said the Critic humbly.


End file.
